Post by Admin on Aug 16, 2007 19:46:28 GMT -5
As a friend of Bob Daisley, I get emails from Bob that are often ammusing.
This particular message, I think most all blues fans will enjoy
----------------------------
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this '..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch - ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues.
In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair
if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in
Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the
Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it, is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall.
The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dump
bins.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's (David Jones)
b. gallery openings
c. universities
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen
to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.
13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
Not if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401(k) or trust/superannuation fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues.
Sonny Liston could.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Red Bull
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while
getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Courtney, and Heather can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime J. Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. And I don't care how tragic your life might be: If you own a computer,
you can't sing the blues.
Admin
This particular message, I think most all blues fans will enjoy
----------------------------
HOW TO SING THE BLUES
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this '..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it.
Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a
ditch - ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.
Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing the Blues.
In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair
if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in
Canada.
Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression.
Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the
Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is.
Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it, is.
9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall.
The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dump
bins.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom's (David Jones)
b. gallery openings
c. universities
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen
to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.
13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
Not if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401(k) or trust/superannuation fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues.
Sonny Liston could.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Red Bull
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die.
So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot.
You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while
getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Courtney, and Heather can't
sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime J. Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple
Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. And I don't care how tragic your life might be: If you own a computer,
you can't sing the blues.
Admin
